HELPING KIDS WITH BIG FEELINGS

Helping tiny humans with big feelings can feel a lot like a roller-coaster. I’d also say that it can feel that way for many of us, regardless of size or age! I know that I’ve often felt like I am a slave to my emotions. It’s often been ‘a gripping the handle bars, closing the eyes and hoping that it’ll all be over’ type of experience. I’ve struggled with my emotions, feelings and the fall out of my reaction to those emotions and feelings for as long as I can remember. I even created a story as to why I was so rubbish at it and fully bought into it. It was fiery Italian and Celtic blood from way back in the day - wasn’t even my fault! It was a fun story, until it wasn’t.

Even as I started my meditation training, I was looking for a way to work with difficult personalities - I still wasn’t looking in the mirror. When my kids came along though, gosh - they are the most brilliant of mirrors. I was forced to take a peek and see where that mess of emotions and feelings was at. It has been the most wonderful, uncomfortable and enlightening journings. Profound and humbling - It’s also only really just begun. Watching these tiny humans literally consumed by their feelings, wiping away tears and soothing tempers can be a little like walking a tightrope, that wobbles, a lot! I am definitely NOT an expert but I have found things that have helped me.

So here is what I often do when faced with big, strong, somewhat inconvenient and sometimes very uncomfortable feelings.

AWARENESS & TOOLS TO REGULATE

The single biggest piece of advice that I’ve been given that has helped the most is:

Lower your expectations of how children are able to get a grip of their emotions.

Kids don’t often have a great concept of time or experience of life - they don’t know that nothing lasts, they don’t know what’s around the corner, that what feels so important right now, won’t be so important in 10 minutes from now. The are so in the moment, so literal that their experiences can feel like a tidal wave and impact every part of them. It’s a full mind / body experience. Now, this is a very easy thing to say, but when you’re standing facing the tornado of toddler emotions because their feet are too hot to possibly wear shoes for the day or because the jumper isn’t pink enough, so I sometimes use this as an affirmation or chant - “they are so little they don’t know how to handle this moment.” Just to get a grip on my own frayed nerves! I guess the goal as I see it, is to be able to be in a place to weather those emotional storms, to be the thing they can anchor too. That doesn’t mean taking a beating (physical or emotional) but by remaining calm and breathing.

ACTIVITIES THAT HELP ME

Find a Process

I like to have a plan and a formula, it helps me, especially when I’m under pressure and I don’t have the space to think. I’ve found that this works for my two as well. This is my now well worn path that I use to slow it all down when they are in the grips of a big feeling. Make this your own, tweak it and change it to get something that feels right for you.

1. Speak to the feeling. I call out what it is that I think is going on, I acknowledge it and also add why I think that it’s there - so I’m clear as well as them: “I know that you’re upset because you wanted me to read another book.”

2. Come up with a plan to sit with and then move through the feelings. “It’s ok to feel really sad about not getting another book and it feels like you’re not going to be able to go to sleep without it, but that will pass. Why don’t we try some teddy bear breathing or we can say our Power Words” (I’ll share these in a moment).

I find that switching contexts helps as does calling out what is going on.

Power Words

I’ve used this little affirmation since they were teeny tiny. When I first started, they would just listen but now they will want to say it when things feel like they are a bit too much - my eldest especially. We use this before something scary, through tears, bad dreams, ice cream has all been eaten … the list goes on.

I am safe

I am calm

I am loved

and

I’m ok

I like to hold up my hands, tap each finger to my thumbs as I say this. So first finger to thumb for "I am safe” and middle finger to thumb for “I am calm” and so on. Using the hands adds another layer to bring them back to the moment and their body.

Follow the Feeling

When naming the feeling, I get them to point to their body where they can feel it and then I ask them to describe what it feels like. This is a long game but it’s truly been paying off. To start they found it tricky and now there is a little gusto as they try to come up with the words to describe what they are feelings. I will do this with them too - when I’m feeling something that I want to share, I’ll explain it to them. If I am sad, worried even tired.

If you’ve joined me for one of my guided meditations, you’ll know that I love to use the sea and water as metaphors. We live very close to a beach and spend a lot of time by the sea, so I’ll use metaphors to do with the beach to explain how I feel “I feel like a wave of tiredness has just hit me” they’ve used “I feel like I’m a really heavy bucket of sand I’m so tired, I can’t move.”

Breathing

The breath is incredible and can help me to came them in an amazing way. We get them to do something called Dragon’s Breath. It’s where they pull in all of that uncomfortable feeling, and then they blow it out of their mouth, towards us (parents) and they can blow us over with that breath. Breath all the frustration, sadness, anger, in through the nose, and out through the mouth.

This does sometimes end in fits of giggles as we elaborately fall over (to Oscar worthy performances, may I add) but then we are able to talk about what’s going on after, in a much lighter way if need be.

Dance Party

Lastly, the Dance Party, potentially the fav. We dance out the feelings. All of them. We use this with homework, with anger, when listening has gone out the window, again the list goes on. Play some music and shake it all out. Get every part of their little bodies moving.

I think that the context change, finding music to laugh and move to, watching each other join in. Literally shaking out the discomfort! It all shapes up for a great activity.

What are your go-to activities? There really are so many and I’m adding to the list all of the time.